the topic of recovery

Today marks 4 years since my first and most severe episode. At the time I was terrified, and truth be told, that terror has never quite left, but 4 years ago today I went into what could only be described as a state similar to a short term comatose sleep, which repeated each day for over a month. 

Today, and for the rest of this month, I will have reminders of where I started, of my downfall. 

It was triggered by physical trauma to my hip during a football match I should never have participated in, being undiagnosed and clueless at the time. 

For a long time I believed that to be the cause, after all, that’s what the doctors told me at my diagnosis, and at the time I had been put through so much emotional trauma by doctors and lied to for so long I believed it was my fault. 

And that brings me into another lie. 

The topic of recovery. 

 Recovery was always something I envisioned in my future. I was promised it after all. I'd suffer for a while but i'd "grow out of it".

That's the phrase they always use. "you'll grow out of it". In reality, it was a sentence that caused me more damage than if they'd told me i'd be like this forever. The false hope it gave me nearly killed me when I found out the truth.

As the years go on and now I know my fate, I am forced to face the reality of my recovery. It's something I don't think will ever get easier, because the reality is i'll never return to the state I was in before I got ill. 

95%

I can still remember the sinking feeling I got reading that for the first time. 

It's truly something undescribable. 

95%

95% of people never fully recover.

I have a 5% chance. That decreases after 5 years of illness. That's less than a year before the likelyhood of recovering decreases for me. 

I don't let myself think of that fact much, or at least I try not to think about it.

It's terrifying really, when the reality of this illness hits.

Terrifying that I will most likely never get the future that I dreamed of. I've already had to give up so much, somedays I don't really know what's left of me. I don't know how much more I can give. 

Truth be told I don't think i'll ever get better.